'I painted my nails'

'I painted my nails on my commute this morn. Contrary to my belief that nail polish is a waste of time, this has cheered me up'

Dear future ex-boyfriend

When we are 44 we will live on an island. Our relationship will be approaching its end. There will have been months or perhaps years of drifting. We became islands on our island. Surrounded by the time it takes to get to other places. 

The problem will be me. Or - the part of me which is my sadness, which, by the way, is a mangy sheep. A sheep who follows me everywhere, who attempts to look cute until I pay it some attention. But who wants to be in a relationship with a mangy sheep? 

We will have had seven years. You will have done very well. And you won't have been without your sadness. It's just, yours will not have become an animal. Or if it has, you have been able to hide it well. Your sadness is a cat, perhaps. Far less needy.

We will say that we will remain friends. This is a good thing to say. We will still find each other remotely attractive. 

I am telling you all this so that you can prepare. You can make arrangements for your rebound relationship. You can start to stop loving me early, so that by the time we have parted you think of me fondly and have adopted a sort of philosophical outlook. You can prepare phrases to get out for our friends. You can say things like 'we drifted apart' or 'all relationships have a timer on them' or more imaginatively; 'there was a mangy sheep around a lot of the time which kind of killed my buzz'. 

I am doing this for you.